Still and silent peace drives my soul. I desire to know the infinite spaciousness of being awake in truth. My breath anchors me to the door of quiet clarity. I investigate my emotion and find where it lies in my inner landscape. I breathe in and locate the strongest sensation and follow the path to freedom. I open to my heartspace and love flows freely. Warmth and beauty are a constant well of strength. I have traveled a dark and stony trail and somehow never lost hope in authentic freedom. The promise of a true breath was my desire. For twenty years I suffered in fear and longing, but I never ceased seeking. Three years ago I experienced my first brief glimpse of open clarity and stillness. I was practicing my daily walking in nature. I was breathing and investigating my senses, when from only god knows where I shifted into complete beauty and silent calm. It was so much more that anything I could ever have possibly imagined. It was clear, my vision was crisp, I could finally hear the song of the birds and the breeze in the trees. There was a perfume of the sun beaten grass and the warmth on the sun on my skin. I was at home with myself for the first time in my adult life. The window into peaceful clarity was brief. I kept walking on that trail for months hoping to re-create the perfect conditions for it to return. It had vanished, but I never stopped mindful walking. I knew that short trail in my simple side yard was the answer to my every hope. I continued on and every once in a while, brief windows would open and I would transcend my everyday busy mind and fall into blissful quiet. Occasionally, I would sit by the river and the steady flow of the water would lull my worries and I could see clearly. I walked and I sat and I walked and I sat. I began to understand the surrendering into myself was the answer to my quest. As an occupational therapist I began to look further into the sensory sense of interoception (awareness of inner emotion and mood) I had been practicing mindfulness for years, but never inquired deeply into my emotions. So I went there with myself. It was not easy, I remember the first time I focused on my heart. I couldn’t believe there was actual physical pain. I kept breathing and I knew I was getting somewhere. The greatest pain was the best entry into peace. It seems a paradox, but the hardest times that have brought my to my knees have been the most powerful and transformative avenues to loving grace. I still myself with the breath and dive deeper into my emotions. It is a physical experiential tasks. I breathe in and contact the clinging restricted clench. I search and search for the rut. What do I fear? What do I wish for that isn’t so? I investigate what separates me from the present now? The beauty of truth of what is. Recently, I was experiencing a low and so I surrendered once again. I fell into the most still and quiet space . I physically began to move slower and was in the present completely. It was clear and so silent. I enter my heartspace and connect to my world. I can be more positively connected in relationship, as well as with myself. I am a better witness to the beauty and depth of a person’s soul. It continues to progress much to my surprise and continues to be so much more than words can ever express. I feel silent and joyful, grateful and free. I feel loving and still. I feel hopeful and blessed. Never could I have imagined this infinite beauty, but I am grateful for my strength and determination to never give in! I continue to seek after peace, but there has been a shift I now have moments of pure truthful rest. I surrender and feel alive. I can only imagine where this will take me, but if this moment is any preview it will be grand! My efforting was all worth it. I strived and struggled. I suffered and I crawled, but the freedom was only available in the stopping and surrender. Slow your body, calm your system, rock yourself in the slow rhythm of nature walking. Give in, let go into the fear. Breathe in and fall back into the still water. I wonder how it is that I found this splendid space. I know I will never know. All I do know it that it is available for us all. It is within. All of the external looking we have all done for happiness is all a confusion, a distraction, chaos. Nothing will ever fill the emptiness , it is forever hungry for more. More success, more beauty, more money, more power. It will never be enough! What you really are looking for lies inside. Your still quiet safe place where everything is fulfilled. You feel complete and whole, the seeking slows and the hunger quiets. A wonderland of beauty and warmth. I am blessed and full of amazement. I am memorized by the vividness and truth. Grace is my favorite space. I will always be grateful for my gift of peace. I will wonder why me, but it is proof that it is universally available for all. No for real, how can this truly be, but it is and I hope to learn acceptance. Acceptance that a simple woman could look for and find a loving beauty that is without perfect words and immeasurable.
Published by One True Breath
I am a wife, mother and a pediatric occupational therapist for almost 20 years. My great hope is that this blog will be a guide for anyone seeking refuge from life's difficulties. It is a distillation of my life experience, profession and whole hearted search for peace. I wish you a wonderful and joyful journey! View all posts by One True Breath