Breathe and Be Brave

I you are under the false impression that being in touch with your emotions is for a delicate lily you got another thing coming. It takes guts to contact where your inner emotions reside. To excavate your years of overburden you have been carrying around takes grit. Stuffing down uncomfortable emotion to deal with in latter protected me from the realities I wasn’t ready to accept. I dissociated my feelings and pushed forward ignoring my inner landscape. When I began to uncover my physical heart, I found actual pain and constriction. I kept breathing and build a trust in myself that I could be brave and things would be manageable. I knew I was getting somewhere when I actually could feel without running. Now, I continue to work toward unearthing my difficult stored emotions. The unexpected passing of my mother is something I find I continue to guard myself from. I built a wall to protect myself from the great fear of her loss. The tremendous pain of grief and a lack of being able to accept that she was really gone. When she passed away very unexpectedly I was is horrible shock. It brought up old emotions, ones I had pushed down, other traumas from the past came up. It seems old familiar patterns of fear run deep and close together. I continued investigation into my grief and longing, I had a realization of the fragility of a human vessel. The delicate brief time we are given to live our lives. The eternal knowing of where she transitioned to is a comfort, but my heart still longs for her physical presence. The container of her soul. Her beauty, her essence, her strength. Her legacy was to bring joy. It has been a most difficult task to stop reaching for all that she was. I may never fully remove all of the longing, but one grain of sand at a time is a beginning. I plan to practice trusting my strength, my ability to bear the great harsh reality that life is about great love, but also about great loss. I will deal with one small step toward healing at a time, giving myself patience and compassion to move forward grain by grain.