Heartbreak

Some days the grief is just heavier. The great heartbreak that was my mothers passing made me feel like my heart had to learn how to love all over again. The pain was so great that I felt as if my heart was shattered. I spent the first months in a fog of fear and longing. A fear that I just might not be able to handle the immensity of the pain. Functioning, but weighted down by grief and sorrow. I began to realize that this caused my old fears of being out of control of my emotions to come back to the surface. The layering was unbearable. As time went on I practiced my walking, but I was in such pain that I found it difficult to fall into spacious stillness. I continued on for months and bit by bit the longing lifted very slowly. I continued to investigate my heart and finally the stillness was able to come in and break down some of the pain. It helped me to become more open and free for my heart to be prepared to deal with the loss. It has created more of an acceptance of her being gone and less longing for her return. An opening into peace made space for my healing, possibly because the fear was lessened and created a clear view of how things were. A letting go into what is. A release of a grip, holding on so tightly to the past I couldn’t get back and a future that I had envisioned that just would never be. It was somehow more tolerable, a feeling of less bracing and more just being. Less holding tight and letting myself go with the reality. I remain hopeful that this sensation of healing will continue and I will be better able to joyfully remember her for all of her beautiful gifts and memories we made together and less painful longing to not have a broken heart.