I believe there is a large silent kind who have always served everyone, did everything right and yet are riddled with self doubt, worry and fear about being judged and being vulnerable. In contrast there is a structure of the cruel who really have only ever served themselves and yet have absolutely no self reflection that they should even doubt themselves at all. The kind will have to come to the realization that if reflected upon further, they have nothing to be criticized for. If someone were to judge or criticize them for their socioeconomic status, gender, age, mental health or anything of stigma, that these are things that have absolutely nothing to do with the measure of their true value at all! Also, what has the structure of cruelty or anyone who wields it and is self-serving done to deserve the right to pass judgment on another person anyway? Have these individuals who place so much value on status, power, control, shame and emotional currency stealing, ever added anything of value to you or your loved ones or your communities existences? Or have they actually been aloud to perpetuate and infringe greatly upon your autonomy, freedom, sense of self worth, dignity and sense of a right to be deserving of positive regard. How much energy have you spent worrying about these shallow opinions exposing your fear of being seen as lesser? How much energy do you have left for this insatiable, devastating and dwindling system of hate? Save every drop, you have more than earned the right. Don’t even think they lay awake worried or caring about what you think? Why continue to drain yourself for an element that propagates stigma based on a completely inverted measurements of value. What more do you have or are you willing to loose? Save your thoughts, time, conversations, energy, placating words, ego massaging and fabricated agreements with gossip involving judgment and devaluing others. Investigate the pull to overshare, minimize your time and emotional content, continue to be yourself and be polite, but decrease or avoid these poison interactions. Move away from the pull towards those who you deeply sense do not regard your value and the constant drive to drain yourself to make them like or appreciate you. This is a trauma response passed down through generations of vulnerable people and not true relationship at all, but a one sided emotional currency larceny. It may feel like a familiar coping strategy to expend time and resources on pleasing the unpleaseable. Your inner sense of security will never be satiated with these type of personalities. Realize and override your fears and see them as nonsensical, with no true basis and only ever an endless futile pull. Worry so much more about what you think of yourself? Reflect on all of the reasons that add up to making you valuable, lovable, worthy, beneficial and deserving of dignity. This is the real truth, but I know it is very hard to see or truly embody within this current culture. I believe it is true that everyone has been given equal value from their birth, however I know that the current age old social structure absorbs the ability to see the reality about who holds the true wealth. Most of the kindest, loving and giving people I know all share the same trait of complete self abandonment. They have an insatiable need to serve, perfectionism to an exhausting level, self criticism and judgement, devaluing themselves, minimizing what they contain, so as to be less threatening. They never honor anything they might feel or need to be comfortable, suppressing authentic feelings and being completely unable to feel vulnerable or have a voice and stand up for themselves. To begin to practice overriding these life long coping mechanisms, increasing awareness of how your (neuroception) or true feelings actually present as is required? You are habituated to suppress these discomforts to avoid painful situations of conflict. Investigate your interoceptive sensations of emotion, when you feel fearful notice what you are doing or thinking and what or whom causes this pain? You might see that you have a pattern or are repeating the same habits, with never seeing a shift towards ease or your discomfort level ever fading. In my experience we ignore these inner signals and fabricate emotions to maintain social order with hopes of ease. We abandon our truths, placate, exaggerate traits, transfer our own positive traits, create entire conversations or polish up realities to entertain the cruel person’s high level of emotional needs. We paint the Sistine Chapel to continue this compliance. Notice your lack of ease and openness within the exchanges, your instinct tells you something is uneasy and it all ways has been. If you leave an interaction feeling like you just pushed an emotional bolder up a mountain or have an emotional hangover, stop. That is not true love or kindness, that is manipulation and compliance. You and your families emotional autonomy will depend on you moving quietly away from draining your currency and closer to your authenticity and honoring you needs. Shielding yourself from tank drainers gives you energy and efficiency, that you at first may not even know what to do with? You will be shocked at how much time and worry you spent on these futile relationships and social hierarchies. You will also end the time following these interactions, where you have to decompress, recover and restore balance from the emotional down spiral they trigger, that always brings out the worst in you. You might also see this shift lessening of other unhealthy coping strategies that are increased when these individuals turn the heat up on your self doubt. This new found mind space and energy conservation is time for you and your loved ones to preserve and restore. Fill it will beautiful things you actually love doing for you. Art, pets, nature, music and a bit of time to continue your practice of breathing and learning to reengage with the truth of your inner sensations of emotion. This awareness overtime increases and will give you more understanding of how you may have always abandoned yourself and completely suppressed difficult emotions and persisted in the need to be liked. Don’t waste your true emotion on false relationships, don’t worry about loosing people, be way more concerned about loosing yourself constantly attempting to please people. The uneasiness you have always felt was never about you, it was always about them. Honor your own truth and create boundaries and stop meeting the needs of undeserving others. Absorbing their pain is way more costly than you know and it is making you sick. It seems that keeping the peace for them helps to keep it for you, but it actually is creating a constant war within yourself. End toxic positivity and smiling when someone has only ever hurt you and in truth most likely has never really even liked you at all. These people have never done a thing to deserve a single drop of energy from your beautiful heart. This propagated system has created what I call the”The Starving Hearts” phenomenon. This hungry ghost mechanism will sit at the buffet of your beauty forever and starve. They will never be satiated, no matter how much you attempt to abandon yourself. You can’t get them to be happy by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate. To end this depleting and completely exhausting pattern, share time with these other starving hearts and enjoy true communion, friendships and authentic loving presence. A beautiful society can not prosper until love coalesces and our children are cultivated within an environment that their loving hearts were born to grow and prosper within.
Published by One True Breath
I am a wife, mother and a pediatric occupational therapist for almost 20 years. My great hope is that this blog will be a guide for anyone seeking refuge from life's difficulties. It is a distillation of my life experience, profession and whole hearted search for peace. I wish you a wonderful and joyful journey! View all posts by One True Breath